Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
