So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
