this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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