Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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