Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
