i'm lost and i look like a hooker
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
