he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
