Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
