Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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