God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
