how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He kissed a someone with a penis
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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