Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
