If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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