If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
