R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize