I didn't shave. On purpose
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
