I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I looked at my own cervix.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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