Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
