New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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