So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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