i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
