He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
