The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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