I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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