The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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