You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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