So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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