I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
In America we eat man semen.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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