hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize