Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just found a bag of teeth...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
