i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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