i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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