Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
