I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
50% drunk capacity currently
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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