for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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