Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
