he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
