if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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