no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
