if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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