You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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