How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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