So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
