you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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