I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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