if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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