then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
