I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You can't motorboat a personality
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
