I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize