I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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