At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
