wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
