do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
