I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize