I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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