i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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