Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Send help, water and tortillas.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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