i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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