Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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